Now look. I’m embarking on some tender and timid communication with some of your prime candidates this weekend, and so far I’m disappointed. First of all, let’s address the issue of the “must haves/can’t stands.” WHY oh WHY am I supposed to be comfortable sending these things I’ve picked off a list to someone I’ve never even met? You don’t know what condition I was in when I chose these things. Maybe I wasn’t thinking correctly when I chose “sexually knowledgable” as a “must have.” Maybe I don’t want to share that. But even if I edit my answers, I still don’t think I want to share them. I thought these things were private, for me to check back with every now and then in order to evaluate my….something. So I’m hesitant to share my inner-most feelings with anyone named “Ace” at this point.
And another thing. From time to time I have thought to myself, “Wow, eHarmony is not great at matching me up with some of these eligible bachelors.” Like Hendi? I can’t believe one of Hendi’s things he could not live without was perfume. Does he want it on women, or does he wear it himself? I’m sorry but Chanel No. 5 is my thing and my thing alone. Not really something I’m looking for in a man. Now a guy who couldn’t live without Old Spice? Sign me up. What about the books these men are reading. If I hear about one more touching tale of how someone read The Kite Runner I’m going to actually have to pick up the book myself to see what the BFD is. eHarmony men only seem to have read The Kite Runner and a smattering of Stephen King books. So I really thought you were way out in left field with these matches. And then I see this thing about someone being a “flexible match.” Let me break it down for you. It means you ran out of people to match me with you’re dumping me on any random dude that has a pulse. Thanks.
And finally, there is the great opportunity these men all get to tell me why they don’t want to date me. Some of them say I live too far away. Some of them say they aren’t interested based on the answers in my profile. Some of them say “other,” which is a nice way of saying they think my face is ugly. But my favorite response so far is “I’m taking a break from dating.” What a cop-out!! If you’re taking a break, why are you still paying for eHarmony? Why? Whyyyyyyy?
Hey eHarmony, I am exhausted from all my whining at you. Good night.