Turnoffs Galore

Dear eHarmony,

Many thanks for the new crop of boys and men with varying spelling and grammar skills that you have dropped on my virtual doorstep.  They really keep me busy.  There is nothing quite like opening my e-mail in the morning to find multiple lectures from you about how compatible I am with some of these stupid-ass people.

So today, instead of picking on particular people, I’m just going to list some of the things I’ve noticed in a few profiles.  They are turnoffs to say the least:

painting with acrylics– Sounds messy and a tad emotional
Eurasia– What, does he play a lot of Risk?  I would actually be down for some Risk.
“law enforcement”– What kind of job title is this?  Is he a cop, or is he Paul Blart: Mall Cop?
vampire novels– I don’t want to date one of those horrible Twilight girls
dinning out– When a teacher can’t spell, I don’t think I want to dine out with him at all
last names– Who in their right mind hops on eHarmony and puts their full name down?  Here I go, off to Facebook, to look your silly ass up since I didn’t pay to see your eHarmony pictures.  Hope you didn’t go to Strayer.
feank– Okay, it’s bad enough you didn’t capitalize your name.  But honey, you didn’t spell it correctly either.  The E and the R are suspiciously close together, or else I would think you are just “exotic.”

Thanks for the memories, eHarmony.

Looooooove,
Me

P.S. eHarmony, I am suspicious that you are just my basement-troll old neighbor Richard, eating up his wife’s phone line for the Internet while he singlehandedly runs eHarmony.  Just sayin’.

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